Can’t sleep.

Here I am just after 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning, and I have not slept a single wink all night long. I have had a very hard time getting several thoughts out of my head related to work and my personal life as it stands right now. Last night at work was very difficult, and though I will not go into details, if I can pull my team through this situation it will prove my abilities as a leader, and could end my career if not. Aside from that I have really been doing a lot of soul searching about the things that are meaningful in my life, with the intent of putting all of the pieces back together.

For quite some time now I have been primarily focused on my career and improving my professional reputation with a goal of making more money so that I may enjoy the finer things in life. Who doesn’t want to do that right? I think however that I have lost the focus on why I am working, and what the ends were meant to be in the first place. We work to put a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and keep the lights on and the gas in the car. That is the basic purpose of why people work. But the reason that I moved 700 miles from home and have dedicated the better part of my life to my work is more than basic. I want to own a home, and pay off debts to which I have managed to amass more than my share. I want to be able to travel, and own nice things. Hell, right now I would like to have enough money saved away to cover my insurance deductible should the need arise.

It is time for change. As I sit here looking at the remnants of my late night Taco Bell runs from this week, ash trays full of cigarette butts, and pizza boxes on my kitchen table, I realize that this is not me. I am focused on my goals, and intent on success. I am diligent in my day-to-day activities and routines and I do not accept anything less than the best. But for sometime now I have merely been ‘getting by’ in life and have let many things go.

My father recently had a mild heart attack, which woke me up somewhat due to the fact that he is not even 42 years old, he and I are the same height and I outweigh him by 100 pounds. He and I both smoke, which must have played a large part in his condition. This along with the fact that I engage in very little physical activity that isn’t required by my job has gotten me on edge about my health. I have not seen a doctor in almost two years, so I got a referral from my boss and made an appointment for a full physical and work up November 7th. That will be one major step towards my goals in my personal life.

Aside from my health, I need to get my financial situation in order. I have managed to build up credit card debt at about 80% of the credit lines I carry. I have student loans, and car loans out that will require payments for some time to come. I make more money than any person I know of my age, or in my position, and yet I am still living basically paycheck-to-paycheck. Where has all of the money gone? I did some basic financial analysis of my spending over the last 6 months, and have found that I spend over $400 a month on ‘Dining’. That means stopping for fast food, eating off of the lunch truck at work, and ordering take out pizza. This has got to change. I buy groceries to the tune of around $270 every month, but somehow manage to need to spend $400 more just feeding myself. The old me, the focused and determined me will make this change.

Along with saving money, I need to eat better and be more active, A LOT more active. I do not need a doctor to tell me that I’m overweight, have a low lung capacity and overall poor health. I need to focus myself on a routine. I need to get up every morning and make it to the gym. I need to ride my bike when the weather is nice, and spend less time sitting on the couch. I fear that if I do not do so, and soon, I am heading for a very bleak future in that I will work myself to death at one point, and have had nothing of any real substance to show for it all. This changes now. I need to begin to use the same determination that I have exhibited for years in my professional and personal life, renew that energy, and simply do it. No more excuses. Go big or go home. There is no try, there is only do or do not. Just do it.

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2 Comments on “Can’t sleep.”

  1. Mike Toder Says:

    Hey man,

    I am sorry to hear about your dad and all of the things you have been going through as of late. I hope he is feeling better now though. Maybe lifestyle wise you need to change a few things (as per you) but I still do and always will consider you a role model and good friend. I hope I can be as successful as you some day soon. I know that many of us around here (Langhorne, L-town, Fairless Hills, Croydon…ect) are proud of you, what you have done, and what you have become. Trust me, I don’t have to say these things. Remember: You are no longer my boss, and sadly, we don’t work for the same company anymore. So, hang in there, don’t be too hard on yourself, but it is good that you’re “finding yourself.” Please stay in touch.


  2. Mitch Says:

    Hey dude,

    Keep your head up. I know it’s a tough road. You’re always welcome to give me a buzz when you feel down. We were roommates for two years and great friends for the last six years. If you ever think about coming home, we’re here. I’m in the same boat as you for health. Karen gets on me all the time about needing to lose weight. It’s hard to find the motivation.

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